From a510a55ee4b97853b7170b5159d4b51d35810686 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Shlomi Fish Date: Tue, 12 Nov 2024 14:58:52 +0200 Subject: [PATCH] Removed duplicate fortunes. See: https://github.com/shlomif/fortune-mod/pull/104 (thanks to @inguin ) --- fortune-mod/datfiles/computers | 7 - fortune-mod/datfiles/cookie | 46 - fortune-mod/datfiles/food | 6 - fortune-mod/datfiles/goedel | 2 - fortune-mod/datfiles/humorists | 2 - fortune-mod/datfiles/knghtbrd | 2 - fortune-mod/datfiles/linux | 27 - fortune-mod/datfiles/literature | 9 - fortune-mod/datfiles/men-women | 9 - fortune-mod/datfiles/miscellaneous | 17 - fortune-mod/datfiles/news | 3 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/atheism | 4 - .../datfiles/off/unrotated/black-humor | 2 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/cookie | 38 - .../datfiles/off/unrotated/definitions | 35 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/drugs | 3 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/ethnic | 7 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick | 49 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/politics | 28 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/privates | 2 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/religion | 41 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/riddles | 46 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/sex | 13 - .../datfiles/off/unrotated/songs-poems | 17 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/vulgarity | 25 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/zippy | 1286 +---------------- fortune-mod/datfiles/paradoxum | 6 - fortune-mod/datfiles/people | 23 - fortune-mod/datfiles/perl | 4 - fortune-mod/datfiles/pets | 3 - fortune-mod/datfiles/platitudes | 5 - fortune-mod/datfiles/politics | 27 - fortune-mod/datfiles/science | 24 - fortune-mod/datfiles/songs-poems | 54 - fortune-mod/datfiles/sports | 15 - fortune-mod/datfiles/wisdom | 22 - fortune-mod/datfiles/work | 14 - fortune-mod/datfiles/zippy | 4 - fortune-mod/tests/t/test-fortune-o-rot.t | 6 +- 39 files changed, 4 insertions(+), 1929 deletions(-) diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/computers b/fortune-mod/datfiles/computers index 90f6e9c..ea3811e 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/computers +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/computers @@ -1106,13 +1106,6 @@ enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference between adequacy and excellence. % -Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking -process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical -attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an -enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable -and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference -between adequacy and excellence. -% %DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/cookie b/fortune-mod/datfiles/cookie index 005587c..a2cb914 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/cookie +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/cookie @@ -94,10 +94,6 @@ The life of a repo man is always intense. % If you're not careful, you're going to catch something. % -That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they -really hate is lousy programmers. - -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" -% Wherever you go...There you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai % @@ -376,14 +372,6 @@ Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging. Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging. Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either. % -As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, -bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, -or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new -version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new -component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and -efficient test cases will usually be available. - -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" -% Each team building another component has been using the most recent tested version of the integrated system as a test bed for debugging its piece. Their work will be set back by having that test bed change under them. Of course it @@ -711,8 +699,6 @@ On a clear disk you can seek forever. % The world is coming to an end--save your buffers! % -grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. -% It is your destiny. -- Darth Vader % @@ -1945,17 +1931,6 @@ reptile and not very much of a bird." You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape. -- Ellyn Mustard % -"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to - create him." - -Arthur C. Clarke -% -"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?" - -Ronald Reagan -% -"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things - we don't know yet." - -Ambrose Bierce -% The Middle East is certainly the nexus of turmoil for a long time to come -- with shifting players, but the same game: upheaval. I think we will be confronting militant Islam -- particularly fallout from the Iranian @@ -4725,9 +4700,6 @@ the exact opposite." dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." -- Frank Zappa % -"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." - -- Cal Keegan -% "Let me guess, Ed. Pentescostal, right?" -- Starcap'n Ra, ra@asuvax.asu.edu @@ -5250,13 +5222,6 @@ safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." "It's what you learn after you know it all that counts." -- John Wooden % -#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) -#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ - - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) - - -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word -% "If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its laws. Today, television tells most of the stories to most of the people most of the time." @@ -5500,11 +5465,6 @@ I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. other causes combined." -- Fred Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_ % -panic: kernel trap (ignored) -% -"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." - -- Karl Lehenbauer -% "Remember, extremism in the nondefense of moderation is not a virtue." -- Peter Neumann, about usenet % @@ -5521,9 +5481,6 @@ panic: kernel trap (ignored) "If you can, help others. If you can't, at least don't hurt others." -- the Dalai Lama % -To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a -test load. -% "Just think, with VLSI we can have 100 ENIACS on a chip!" -- Alan Perlis % @@ -5699,9 +5656,6 @@ and crankshaft are missing... It's always sad when the fleas leave, because that means your dog is dead. -- Wesley T. Williams % -It's always sad when the fleas leave, because that means your dog is dead. - -- Wesley T. Williams -% You know, the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: they don’t alter their views to fit the facts; they alter the facts to fit their views. diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/food b/fortune-mod/datfiles/food index 99f713b..a7e2e24 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/food +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/food @@ -824,12 +824,6 @@ Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny. % Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? % -Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the -way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an -indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less -important to him than his table or his white robe. - -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac -% Without ice cream, life and fame are meaningless. % You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/goedel b/fortune-mod/datfiles/goedel index 28b1bf3..cf68b57 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/goedel +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/goedel @@ -114,8 +114,6 @@ Ignore previous fortune. % In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? % -(null cookie; hope that's ok) -% Oatmeal raisin. % Oreo. diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/humorists b/fortune-mod/datfiles/humorists index 5f58d4c..6a344b3 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/humorists +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/humorists @@ -778,8 +778,6 @@ God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out. -- Zonker Harris % -NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! -% Now is the time for all good men to come to. -- Walt Kelly % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/knghtbrd b/fortune-mod/datfiles/knghtbrd index 61b0318..ed360a5 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/knghtbrd +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/knghtbrd @@ -1032,8 +1032,6 @@ Steal this tagline. I did. emacs sucks, literally, not a insult, just a comment that its large enough to have a noticeable gravitational pull... % -As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. -% * Knghtbrd assigns 3 to Chris * variable wonders who else is named chris besides me variable - you. => diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/linux b/fortune-mod/datfiles/linux index b2980b5..1e20489 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/linux +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/linux @@ -1164,8 +1164,6 @@ And formatted so it's a little easier to read: % If a 'train station' is where a train stops, what's a 'workstation'? % -Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. -% "We don't do a new version to fix bugs." - Bill Gates "The new version - it's not there to fix bugs." - Bill Gates -- Retranslated from Focus 43/1995, pp. 206-212 @@ -1540,12 +1538,6 @@ James Troup : Debian is like Suse with yast turned off, just better. :) -- Goswin Brederlow % -Arnold's Laws of Documentation: - (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. - (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. - (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the - first two laws. -% The truth is not free. It's that simple. If you change the truth, it is no longer true - so the truth is not free! -- Jules Bean about freeness of documentation @@ -1559,10 +1551,6 @@ longer true - so the truth is not free! We still have rpm.... -- Seen on #Debian % -* JHM wonders what Joey did to earn "I'd just like to say, for the record, - that Joey rules." - -- Seen on #Debian -% The problem here (as someon else stated) is that when multiple dists use the same package format it only gives a "false sense of compatibility". -- Stephen Carpenter @@ -1804,12 +1792,6 @@ modconf (0.2.37) stable unstable; urgency=medium [...] -- Eduard Bloch Sun, 28 Oct 2001 12:53:27 +0100 % -<|ryan|> I don't use deb - u poor man - netgod: heh - apt-get install task-p0rn -% -% Could somebody drag the Irix team kicking and screaming into the 1980's, please? @@ -1825,15 +1807,6 @@ slew of words! The branden misses! -- Henning Makholm in % -I don't think 'It's better than hurling yourself into a meat grinder' -is a good rationale for doing something. - -- Andrew Suffield in - <20030905221055.GA22354@doc.ic.ac.uk> on debian-devel -% -< Overfiend> whew. -< Overfiend> I really need to get some sleep. -< Overfiend> but it sure was fun talking guitars, politics, and lesbians. -% <<< Why Eclipse doesn't belong to the "right" tools? My naive understanding is that Eclipse is the Emacs of the 21st century – it is open source, customizable diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/literature b/fortune-mod/datfiles/literature index f51ba52..893a20b 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/literature +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/literature @@ -163,9 +163,6 @@ By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. -- Mark Twain % -Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - -- Mark Twain -% Condense soup, not books! % Conscience doth make cowards of us all. @@ -864,9 +861,6 @@ The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. -- Mark Twain % -The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. - -- Blaise Pascal -% The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to @@ -1136,9 +1130,6 @@ What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? What I tell you three times is true. -- Lewis Carroll % -What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working -when he's staring out the window. -% When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/men-women b/fortune-mod/datfiles/men-women index cd166a6..7eb8003 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/men-women +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/men-women @@ -682,12 +682,6 @@ Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry -When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. - -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" -% -For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. - -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry - When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" % @@ -1573,9 +1567,6 @@ Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place. -- Calvin Trillin % -Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - -- Voltaire -% Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/miscellaneous b/fortune-mod/datfiles/miscellaneous index 4b64223..9e0e6fd 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/miscellaneous +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/miscellaneous @@ -125,8 +125,6 @@ BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. % -Batteries not included. -% BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) % BE ALOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) @@ -800,8 +798,6 @@ Include me out. % Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. % -Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? -% Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. % Is death legally binding? @@ -912,8 +908,6 @@ Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. % Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. % -Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. -% Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) % @@ -1018,9 +1012,6 @@ Metermaids eat their young. % Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! % -Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. - -- Jean Cocteau -% Moebius strippers never show you their back side. % Moebius always does it on the same side. @@ -1174,9 +1165,6 @@ Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time. % Predestination was doomed from the start. % -Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. - -- Niels Bohr -% Preserve the old, but know the new. % Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. @@ -1239,8 +1227,6 @@ Save the bales! % Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. % -Save the whales. Collect the whole set. -% See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause the second one should have seen it. % @@ -1309,9 +1295,6 @@ satisfaction. % Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. % -Sometimes, too long is too long. - -- Joe Crowe -% Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. -- Carl Sagan % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/news b/fortune-mod/datfiles/news index f9dba29..499c6d5 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/news +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/news @@ -231,9 +231,6 @@ The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" -% -The world really isn't any worse. It's just that the news coverage -is so much better. % "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/atheism b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/atheism index c4f5e23..9255ea1 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/atheism +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/atheism @@ -86,8 +86,6 @@ Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. % -God is real, unless declared integer. -% God is love Love is blind Ray Charles is blind @@ -99,8 +97,6 @@ Hindu speaking to a "Born again" christian: A preacher's wife proofread his Sunday sermon and wrote next to one paragraph: "Weak point--shout loud". % -If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? -% Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/black-humor b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/black-humor index 7c4713a..0c12bf8 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/black-humor +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/black-humor @@ -146,8 +146,6 @@ watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" % -All extremists should be taken out and shot. -% Always run from a knife and rush a gun. -- Jimmy Hoffa % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/cookie b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/cookie index c0dc8e7..61278f3 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/cookie +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/cookie @@ -1,40 +1,2 @@ Shit Happens. % -Eat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong. -% - Well, punk is kind of anti-ethical, anyway. Its ethics, so to speak, -include a disdain for ethics in general. If you have to think about some- -thing so hard, then it's bullshit anyway; that's the idea. Punks are anti- -ismists, to coin a term. But nonetheless, they have a pretty clearly defined -stance and image, and THAT is what we hang the term `punk' on. - -- Jeff G. Bone -% -Trailing Edge Technologies is pleased to announce the following -TETflame programme: - -1) For a negotiated price (no quatloos accepted) one of our flaming - representatives will flame the living shit out of the poster of - your choice. The price is inversely proportional to how much of - an asshole the target it. We cannot be convinced to flame Dennis - Ritchie. Matt Crawford flames are free. - -2) For a negotiated price (same arrangement) the TETflame programme - is offering ``flame insurance''. Under this arrangement, if - one of our policy holders is flamed, we will cancel the offending - article and flame the flamer, to a crisp. - -3) The TETflame flaming representatives include: Richard Sexton, Oleg - Kisalev, Diane Holt, Trish O'Tauma, Dave Hill, Greg Nowak and our most - recent acquisition, Keith Doyle. But all he will do is put you in his - kill file. Weemba by special arrangement. - - -- Richard Sexton -% -"Well, it don't make the sun shine, but at least it don't deepen the shit." - -- Straiter Empy, in _Riddley_Walker_ by Russell Hoban -% -"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!" - -- James Coburn, in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_ -% -"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!" - -- The Ghostbusters diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/definitions b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/definitions index 9bd6d74..c3ce5a8 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/definitions +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/definitions @@ -123,12 +123,6 @@ believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % -Brontosaurus Principle: - Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them - in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when - this occurs, they are an endangered species. - -- Thomas K. Connellan -% brunette bush, n: The dark side of the moon. % @@ -350,9 +344,6 @@ First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: Machines that piss people off get murdered. -- Pat Taber % -First Law of Bicycling: - No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. -% Flirt, n.: A girl whose favorite man is the next one. % @@ -728,9 +719,6 @@ Murphy's Discovery: They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble! % -Murray's Rule: - Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. -% mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished @@ -820,8 +808,6 @@ pain, n.: Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. % -Password: -% Peeping Tom: A window fan. % @@ -1109,10 +1095,6 @@ real buddy, n.: real class, adj.: When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me." % -Recursion n.: - See Recursion. - -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary -% rejection, n.: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. % @@ -1233,14 +1215,6 @@ Quote, female: swallow, v.: The (blew) bird of birth control. % -T-shirt of the Day: - Head for the Mountains - -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer - -Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): - If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! - -- courtesy someone else -% T-shirt of the Day: See Dick Drink... See Dick Drive... @@ -1263,10 +1237,6 @@ tearing off a quicky: Texan: A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. % -The 357.73 Theory: - Auditors always reject expense accounts - with a bottom line divisible by 5. -% The First Commandment for Technicians: Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like @@ -1404,8 +1374,3 @@ Zisla's Law: ignoranus, n.: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. % -QFD: - Quelle fucking drag. "Jamie got stuck at Rome airport for -thirty-six hours and it was, like, totally QFD." - -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated - Culture" diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/drugs b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/drugs index a98f735..5c6f611 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/drugs +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/drugs @@ -125,9 +125,6 @@ with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder child. -- Dr. Albert Hoffman % -I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. - -- Salvador Dali -% I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. -- Doctor Graper % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/ethnic b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/ethnic index bbd305e..dcf35ca 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/ethnic +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/ethnic @@ -251,9 +251,6 @@ and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't main may!'" % -America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. - -- Oscar Wilde -% America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee @@ -1083,10 +1080,6 @@ You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. -- Zero Mostel % -To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons -in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. - -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts -% Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA. diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick index b8e6386..3602df4 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick @@ -232,12 +232,6 @@ And had an affair with a Saracen. Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. % -A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison -And had an affair with a Saracen. - She was not oversexed, - Or jealous or vexed, -She just wanted to make a comparison. -% A CS student named Lin Had a prick the size of a pin It was no good for girls @@ -799,12 +793,6 @@ Has a voice that will shortly be heard. He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. % -A new dramatist of the absurd -Has a voice that will shortly be heard. - I learn from my spies - He's about to devise -An unprintable three-letter word. -% A newly-wed man of Peru Found himself in a terrible stew: His wife was in bed @@ -1192,12 +1180,6 @@ Found programming UNIX a hurdle Ran as slow as did he, And that's not saying much for the turtle. % -A very intelligent turtle -Found programming UNIX a hurdle - The system, you see, - Ran as slow as did he, -And that's not saying much for the turtle. -% A very odd pair are the Pitts: His balls are as large as her tits, Her tits are as large @@ -1758,13 +1740,6 @@ Simplex oris verborumque Hominum agmina Iterum iterum iterumque. % -Despising machines to a man, -The Luddites joined up with the Klan, - And ride out by night - In a sheeting of white -To lynch all the robots they can. - -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson -% Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? He was blown down the street by a rocket. The force of the blast @@ -2228,12 +2203,6 @@ Their topics run chiefly to sex. And masculine urgin's, And other erotic effects. % -Limericks are art forms complex, -Their topics run chiefly to sex. - They usually have virgins, - And masculine urgin's, -And other erotic effects. -% Love letters no longer they write us, To their homes they so seldom invite us. It grieves me to say, @@ -3151,12 +3120,6 @@ Who lived on distilled kerosene A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene. % -There once was a girl named Irene -Who lived on distilled kerosene - But she started absorbin' - A new hydrocarbon -And since then has never benzene. -% There once was a girl named Louise Whose cunt hair hung down to her knees. The crabs in her twat @@ -4502,12 +4465,6 @@ Who ate a green apple and died. The apple fermented And made cider inside her inside. % -There was a young lady from Hyde -Who ate a green apple and died. - While her lover lamented - The apple fermented -And made cider inside her inside. -% There was a young lady from Maine Who claimed she had men on her brain. But you knew from the view, @@ -6307,12 +6264,6 @@ Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, But think nothing of that -- You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." % -While I, with my usual enthusiasm, -Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, - She explained, "They are flat, - But think nothing of that -- -You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." -% While out on a date in his Fiat, The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" As he bent down to seek, diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/politics b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/politics index 5aa9863..824e131 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/politics +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/politics @@ -44,17 +44,6 @@ it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" % -A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered -by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned -out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained -that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused -himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped -the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" - "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the -onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" - "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a -gallon or two." -% A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. -- J. K. Galbraith @@ -234,11 +223,6 @@ has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. -- J. P. Morgan [Speaking, no doubt, on behalf of his highly- paid tax lawyers] % -Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, -recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one -particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. - -- Eleanor Roosevelt -% "Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." @@ -711,11 +695,6 @@ effectively. I would have made a good pope. -- Richard Nixon % -I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have -gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the -missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. - -- Oliver North -% I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when they're being taped. -- Richard Nixon @@ -1789,8 +1768,6 @@ Vote early and vote often. -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. % -Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED! -% Waldheimer's disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi. % Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. @@ -1977,11 +1954,6 @@ them again -- and this time we'd use it. the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware." -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" % -"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but -only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, -as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?" - -- Ronald Reagan -% You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/privates b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/privates index db05123..b36813c 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/privates +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/privates @@ -58,8 +58,6 @@ his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it right this time -- go into town and get the posse!" -% -A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. % A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion. diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/religion b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/religion index f0316ab..bb39f66 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/religion +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/religion @@ -17,8 +17,6 @@ A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra % -A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. -% A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter @@ -319,9 +317,6 @@ Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. -- Lenny Bruce % -"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." - -- Mark Twain -% Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles. -- Andrew Jackson @@ -375,12 +370,8 @@ divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills. -- Lazarus Long % -God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. -% God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. % -God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. -% God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. % God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. @@ -456,11 +447,6 @@ too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it the one immortal blemish of mankind. -- Fredrich Nietzsche % -I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman -Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, -nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. - -- Thomas Paine -% I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use. -- Galileo Galilei @@ -591,10 +577,6 @@ man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. And He went away. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" % -"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time -someone writes `bible thumpers?' - -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu -% It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are. -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) @@ -683,10 +665,6 @@ Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends. % -Jesus Saves, -Moses Invests, -But only Buddha pays Dividends. -% "Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!" -- Daniel Hinojosa % @@ -973,10 +951,6 @@ philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l." -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" % -The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could -never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. - -- Abraham Lincoln -% The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and @@ -984,14 +958,6 @@ private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" -% -The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being -as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of -the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the -dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with -this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine -doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. - -- Thomas Jefferson % The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to @@ -1065,10 +1031,6 @@ still in." The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. % -The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all -the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. - -- Rabbi Meir Kahane -% The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained @@ -1237,9 +1199,6 @@ in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen. -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness" % -"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." - -- Woody Allen -% Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". % Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/riddles b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/riddles index a9e4555..c5a9fba 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/riddles +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/riddles @@ -452,10 +452,6 @@ A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct a fight. They consider this it to be a disgrace, though it's pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] % -Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic - existentialist?" -A: "Is there a dog?" -% Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? A: Yes, up to isomorphism! @@ -469,9 +465,6 @@ A: He's the only one who bets on the duck. Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight? A: The duck wins! % -Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? -A: One per person. -% Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell. % @@ -520,15 +513,6 @@ A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring. Q: But how did he get back down? A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. % -Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? -A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. -% -Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? -A: Unique up on it! - -Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? -A: The tame way! -% Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth? A: Cusinart. @@ -547,8 +531,6 @@ A: No -- so it must work pretty well! Q: How did Tarzan die? A: Picking cherries!!! % -Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? -% Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes? A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. % @@ -567,10 +549,6 @@ A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer... Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? A: Kick it over to Van Ness. % -Q: How do you play religious roulette? -A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets - struck by lightning first. -% Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard? A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... % @@ -602,12 +580,6 @@ A: She asks them for a commitment. Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" % -Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? -A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of - speech, but under the United States constitution they are - guaranteed freedom after speech. - -- being told in Poland, 1987 -% Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic. % @@ -654,9 +626,6 @@ A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? A: As much as he wants. % -Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? -A: 9 edge down. -% Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be? A: A fur coat. % @@ -833,9 +802,6 @@ A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" % -Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? -A: Mu. -% Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? A: A cheese grater. % @@ -915,9 +881,6 @@ A: Not everyone's been in a fast car. Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste. % -Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? -A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. -% Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole bird... @@ -993,9 +956,6 @@ A: He couldn't help it. Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent. % -Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? -A: To get to the other slide. -% Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. % @@ -1098,12 +1058,6 @@ his Wang. Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? -- G. Gordon Liddy % -Q: Heard about the who couldn't spell? -A: He spent the night in a warehouse. -% -Q: How do you know when you're in the section of Vermont? -A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. -% Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/sex b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/sex index de6dcd4..bb328b0 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/sex +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/sex @@ -1646,9 +1646,6 @@ as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to fail me." -% -Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. - -- Ellyn Mustard % Farmer Johnson was drunk again. "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could @@ -2197,9 +2194,6 @@ showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out." -- S. J. Perelman % -If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, does being poly -increase your chance of getting dumped? -% If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without no middleman. @@ -2464,8 +2458,6 @@ described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. % Mathematicians take it to the limit. % -Mathematicians take it to the limit. -% Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates! % Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but @@ -3048,8 +3040,6 @@ why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. % Procrastinators do it tomorrow. % -Programmers do it bit by bit. -% Programmers do it until it goes down. % Programmers get overlaid. @@ -3077,9 +3067,6 @@ pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with the other. -- Jules Feiffer % -Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. - -- Frank Zappa -% Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, champagne is the best tenderizer. % Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head. diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/songs-poems b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/songs-poems index b1cb948..dc2aaf1 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/songs-poems +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/songs-poems @@ -131,9 +131,6 @@ And she said, with a tear in her eye, and don't you eat that yellow snow." -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper" % -Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, -If God won't have you, the devil must. -% Australia's a lovely land It's full of bonza blokes, Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer @@ -166,10 +163,6 @@ For her life held no terrors. A virgin born, a virgin died: No hits, no runs, no errors. % -Better the prince of some inferior court, -Than second, or less, in beatific light. - -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" -% Birth, copulation and death. That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks; Birth, copulation and death. @@ -863,11 +856,6 @@ And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry If I only had a dong! -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz % -I've finally found the perfect girl, -I couldn't ask for more, -She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, -And owns a liquor store. -% If I had a penis I'd wear it outside, In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride. If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper @@ -1818,11 +1806,6 @@ Lastly there were the English Who considered themselves a self-made nation Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. % -This land is full of trousers! -this land is full of mausers! - And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! - -- Firesign Theater -% This land is made of mountains, This land is made of mud, This land has lots of everything, diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/vulgarity b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/vulgarity index 92be7b2..974464c 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/vulgarity +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/vulgarity @@ -90,10 +90,6 @@ in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!" % -A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature -replaces it with. - -- Tennessee Williams -% A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought @@ -191,19 +187,6 @@ Damn, I need a Coke! -- Dr. William DeVries [after implanting the first artificial human heart] % -"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, -sincerely, extremely dangerously. - -They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. -They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used -intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. -They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They -used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the -bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. -They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. -They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. - -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" -% Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs % @@ -278,8 +261,6 @@ Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! Grain grows best in shit. -- Ursula K. LeGuin % -Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. -% Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. % Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to @@ -600,10 +581,6 @@ Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, good-looking guy to dump on. Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa % -My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer -dahlias. - -- William Allen White -% My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around with his head stuck up his ass. % @@ -1085,8 +1062,6 @@ You see that fucking fish? If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught. -- Sam Giancana % -You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass. -% "I didn't realize how much I hated that play until I agreed to do it. I don't mind Shakespeare so much, but I really hate Othello. Here was a guy who had been all over the world, kicking ass, looting, plundering diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/zippy b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/zippy index 09518f3..5b1d025 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/zippy +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/zippy @@ -1,1289 +1,9 @@ -A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!! -% -A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit! -% -A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume.. -% -A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled -with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight?? -% -Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!! -% -All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled -by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... -% -All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow -a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know WHY!! -% -All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat! -% -All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds! -% -All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT! -% -Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!! -% -Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN? -% -Am I elected yet? -% -Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet? -% -Am I SHOPLIFTING? -% -America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into -your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ... -% -An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!! -% -An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS?? -% -An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES! -% -And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!! -% -ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO -MONTALBAN'S HAIR! -% -Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER? -% -Are we live or on tape? -% -Are we on STRIKE yet? -% -Are we THERE yet? -% -Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!! -% -Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut?? -% -Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!! -% -Are you still an ALCOHOLIC? -% -As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection! -% -Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY? -% -BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!! -% -Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! -But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!! -% -BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY -WAY" I've ever heard!! -% -Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST. -% -BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ... -% -BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI- -% -... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... -% -Bo Derek ruined my life! -% -Boy, am I glad it's only 1971... -% -Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!! -% -But they went to MARS around 1953!! -% -But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade? -% -Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead? -% -Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE? -% -Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger! -% -CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH! -% -Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!! -% -Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!! -% -Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL -NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn -LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!! -% -CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about -DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE?? -% -Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds -TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ... -% -Could I have a drug overdose? -% -Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in -a MALIBU HOT TUB? -% -Did I do an INCORRECT THING?? -% -Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus??? -% -Did I SELL OUT yet?? -% -Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA? -% -Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy? -% -DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL? -% -Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo? -% -Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running -straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar! -% -Do I have a lifestyle yet? -% -Do you guys know we just passed through a BLACK HOLE in space? -% -Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat?? -% -Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"? -% -Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days? -% -Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me? -% -does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS? -% -DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!! -Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!! -% -Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!! -% -Don't SANFORIZE me!! -% -Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... -FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK -STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS?? -% -Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!! -% -Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!! -% -Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!! -% -Everybody gets free BORSCHT! -% -Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a -disaster Movie!! -% -Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ... -% -Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of -OFFSET PRINTING? -% -FEELINGS are cascading over me!!! -% -Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty -dining room. -% -First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So -just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!! -% -FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!! -% -for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!! -% -Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my -gothic solarium!! -% -FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ... -% -FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!! -% -Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my -satellite dish PAYMENTS! -% -Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ... -% -Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!! -% -Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!! -% -GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my -pet LEISURE SUIT!! -% -HAIR TONICS, please!! -% -Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste! -% -Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for today! -% -Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's -time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! -% -... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE. -% -He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- -% -He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me -like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to -PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING -MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO! -% -HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death! -% -HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!! -% -Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!! -% -Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females!! -% -Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES -being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!! -% -Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No thanks! -% -Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess ... -% -Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles ... -% -Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!! -% -Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN -anywhere!! -% -Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment? -% -Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!! -% -Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce! -% -Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some -drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!! -% -Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a -TROLLEY-CAR ... -% -Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted -island, when ... -% -Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET -FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ... -% -Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL -CHLORIDE ... -% -Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ... -% -HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!! -% -How do I get HOME? -% -How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' MOUSTACHE -... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? -It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA! -% -How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL -SHARPENERS right NOW?? -% -How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS?? -% -How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism? -% -hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub. -% -HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!! -% -HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ... -% -I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!! -% -I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut. -% -I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927! -% -I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller! -% -I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST! -% -I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN? -% -I am NOT a nut.... -% -I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!! -% -I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!! -% -I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB -GUCCIONE has these problems! -% -I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of -LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ... -% -I demand IMPUNITY! -% -I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO! -% -I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just -a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!! -% -... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. -LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE! -% -I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in -my read molars ... -% -... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN. -% -I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!! -% -I feel ... JUGULAR ... -% -I feel better about world problems now! -% -I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon! -% -I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ... -% -I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!! -% -I feel partially hydrogenated! -% -I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the "WATCHTOWER" -and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE in the yard ... -% -I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ... -% -I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING! -% -I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ... -% -I had pancake makeup for brunch! -% -I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD -% -I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you. -% -I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!! -% -I have accepted Provolone into my life! -% -I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. -% -... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ... -% --- I have seen the FUN -- -% -I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the -INSTRUCTIONS ... -% -I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!! -% -I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because -my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!! -% -I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling -every day from Oral Roberts!! -% -I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ... -% -I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!! -% -I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ... -% -I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life -savings in yeast!! -% -I invented skydiving in 1989! -% -I joined scientology at a garage sale!! -% -I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! -% -I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is ... -% -I just had a NOSE JOB!! -% -I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON! -% -I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch -with my LEISURE SUIT!! -% -I just remembered something about a TOAD! -% -I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW -on the SIDE? -% -I Know A Joke!! -% -I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!! -% -I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!! -% -I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!! -% -I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!! -% -I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS -% -I like your SNOOPY POSTER!! -% --- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away -now. I fed the cat. -% -I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized all the WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in -1965!! -% -I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!! -% -I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!! -% -I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank! -% -I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL -legislation... -% -I represent a sardine!! -% -I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers! -% -... I see TOILET SEATS ... -% -I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"! -% -I smell a RANCID CORN DOG! -% -I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day! -% -I think I am an overnight sensation right now!! -% -... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common -MISAPPREHENSIONS ... -% -I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while -reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!! -% -I think my career is ruined! -% -I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH -RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!! -% -... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!! -% -I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!! -% -I want a WESSON OIL lease!! -% -I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!! -% -I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!! -% -... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within -SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!! -% -I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres. -% -I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE -and WHEAT THINS ... -% -I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! -% -... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!! -% -I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ... -% -I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!! -% -I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY -... BACKWARDS!! -% -I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in -formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me -- -% -I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution! -% -I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus! -% -I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!! -% -I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog! -% -I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world? -% -I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE -STRANGER? -% -I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!! -% -I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight? -% -I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool -- -% -I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried! -% -I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE -- -% -I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!! -% -I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ... -% -I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany -% -I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!! -% -I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex! -% -I'm also against BODY-SURFING!! -% -I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!! -% -I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!! -% -I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO -MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"! -% -I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!! -% -I'm definitely not in Omaha! -% -I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this -miniature DOMED STADIUM ... -% -I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late... -% -I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!! -% -I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!! -% -I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!! -% -I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!! -% -I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!! -% -I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS! -% -I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS -% -I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!! -% -I'm having an emotional outburst!! -% -I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in -my PAJAMA POCKET?? -% -I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and -wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ... -% -I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! -% -... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM -of a KOSHER DELI -- -% -I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS. -% -I'm into SOFTWARE! -% -I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my -PERSONAL SPACE!! -% -I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD -STERLING when you really need him? -% -I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!! -% -I'm not available for comment.. -% -I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly?? -% -I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO -MONTALBAN! -% -I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife -and two children stand QUIETLY BY ... -% -I'm rated PG-34!! -% -I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!! -% -I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with MISSILES!! -% -I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin Hustle now! -% -I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!! -% -I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM -... I'm VIBRATORY ... -% -I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated -IMAGE FORMATIONS ... -% -I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN ... -% -I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER -WORKINGS of this POTATO!! -% -I'm wearing PAMPERS!! -% -I'm wet! I'm wild! -% -I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS! -% -I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode. -% -I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ... -% -I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your -SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!! -% -I've read SEVEN MILLION books!! -% -... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im -antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche -PIZZA ... -% -If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for -MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a -GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!! -% -If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ... -% -If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again! -% -If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be -replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! -% -If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT! -% -If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!! -% -... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!! -% -If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST! -% -if it GLISTENS, gobble it!! -% -If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun! -% -If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo?? -% -In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental -Belt," for $10.99!! -% -In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day! -% -INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!! -% -Inside, I'm already SOBBING! -% -Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in Safeway? -% -Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG -his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the ESCALATOR ... -% -Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one -wild afternoon?? -% -Is it clean in other dimensions? -% -Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a -plate of SAUCE MORNAY? -% -Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN? -% -Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"? -% -Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy? -% -Is this TERMINAL fun? -% -Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also -makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR? -% -Isn't this my STOP?! -% -It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!! -% -It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!! -YOW!! -% -It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!? -% -It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!! -% -It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA -in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making -FRENCH TOAST! -% -It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too. -% -It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!! -% -JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level -of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ... -% -Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! -% -Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ... -% -Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be -carried too FAR! -% -Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, -PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!! -% -Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine -is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!! -% -LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??! -% -Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET -ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ... -% -Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ... -% -Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!! -% -Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories! -% -Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!! -% -Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!! -% -Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!! -% -Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a -HIGHBALL?? ... -% -Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card! -% -Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich! -% -LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of -Seagulls" HAIRCUTS! -% -Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!! -% -Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a -cheap hotel in HONOLULU! -% -Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE -- -% -MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician! -% -MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! -% -Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the -shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a -TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and -SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, -BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded -animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT, -I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE -WHEAT BUN!! -% -Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of -the INDONESIAN archipelago? -% -My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!! -% -My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE -FUNCTION and full kitchen!! -% -My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!! -% -My EARS are GONE!! -% -My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!! -% -My haircut is totally traditional! -% -MY income is ALL disposable! -% -My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ... -% -My life is a patio of fun! -% -My mind is a potato field ... -% -My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ... -% -My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ... -% -My NOSE is NUMB! -% -... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!! -% -My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!! -% -My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift! -% -My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!! -% -My vaseline is RUNNING... -% -NANCY!! Why is everything RED?! -% -NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They -COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They -did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but -they were OFF-KEY ... -% -NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!! -% -Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! -% -Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!! -% -Now I am depressed ... -% -Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST -BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER! -% -Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"! -% -Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the -BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!! -% -Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II! -% -Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of -HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached -by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ... -% -Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ... -% -Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING -and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!! -% -Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!! -% -Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!! -% -Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE -- -% -Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!! -% -Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY?? -% -Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR -DEAD CAT LOVERS" ... -% -OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED -R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!! -% -OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O -and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if -it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S -the WASHING MACHINES? -% -On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS -PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!! -% -On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL -QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!! -% -On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. -% -Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of -DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY -VALUES!! -% -Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION -statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was -completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely -amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we -finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled -snack cakes! -% -One FISHWICH coming up!! -% -ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. -% -ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to - the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... -TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... -THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!! +Do you guys know we just passed through a BLACK HOLE in space? % -... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday? +I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in +my read molars ... % Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHEAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also leave a GENEROUS TIP .... % -over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ... -% -OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!! -% -PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH? -% -Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH! -% -PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT. -% -People humiliating a salami! -% -PIZZA!! -% -Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the -Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES! -% -Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!! -% -Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!! -% -PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!! -% -Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! -% -RELATIVES!! -% -Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!! -% -RHAPSODY in Glue! -% -SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS -... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, -starring JANE FONDA!! -% -Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA -94140, USA -% -SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into -empty OIL DRUMS ... -% -Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley? -% -Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY?? -% -Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK -hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST? -% -Sign my PETITION. -% -So this is what it feels like to be potato salad -% -So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL -INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 -SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!! -% -Someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN -% -Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!! -% -Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!! -% -Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a -batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!! -% -Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it -to Beaver"! -% -Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why? -% -TAILFINS!! ... click ... -% - Talking Pinhead Blues: -Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel - TWENTY-SIX!! - -Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been - DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) - -My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG - won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf) - -So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! - (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh) -% -TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash -Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?! -% -Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to -Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!! -% -Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL -% -Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!! -% -The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth -the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!! -% -The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- -and have since BIRTH!! -% -The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my -SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!! -% -The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ... -% -... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued -OYSTER! Yum! -% -The Korean War must have been fun. -% -... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! -% -The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!! -% -The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!! -% -The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS -around 1953!! -% -The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ... -% -There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. -There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. -% -There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS -in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!! -% -There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni! -% - "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" - "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" - "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP -out of MEGATON MAN!" -% -These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!! -% -They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen -appeal! -% -This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!! -% -"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG." - -- Bob Violence -% -This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!! -% -This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up -against someone's MARTINI!! -% -... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!! -% -This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!! -% -This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!! -% -This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is -talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ... -% -Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD -SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!! -% -Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the -aesthetic modules -- -% -Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER -before his MAKEOVER! -% -Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... -Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! -% -TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN?? -% -Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader -frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend? -% -Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS! -% -UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by -mistake!!! -% -UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a -NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha. -% -Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!! -% -UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS! -% -Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE! -% -VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! -% -Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED! -% -Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction?? -% -Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!! -% -We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ... -% -We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR -- -% -We just joined the civil hair patrol! -% -We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. -45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head! -% -Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I -HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ... -EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!! -% -Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to -VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! -% -Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES -ROOM ... -% -Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR! -% -Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE? -% -What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!! -% -What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY? -% -What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ... -% -What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf? -% -What PROGRAM are they watching? -% -What UNIVERSE is this, please?? -% -What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory? -% -When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or -DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ... -% -When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ... -% -When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING? -% -When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING -BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION -and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!! -% -Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER? -% -Where does it go when you flush? -% -Where's SANDY DUNCAN? -% -Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT?? -% -Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!! -% -While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit -priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! -% -While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his -will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"! -% -WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?! -% -WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the -NEGATIVE IONS!! -% -Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me?? -% -Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your -own ZIPCODE? -% -Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex? -% -Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT -CENTER with you?? -% -Will it improve my CASH FLOW? -% -Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air? -% -Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease? -% -With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ... -% -World War III? No thanks! -% -World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code! -% -Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it! -% -Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"! -% -Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON -MAIDEN concert? -% -You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!! -% -You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th' -distinction between FANTASY and REALITY? -% -You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA? -% -YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!! -% -You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!! -% -You were s'posed to laugh! -% -YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN -DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!! -% -Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS -- -% -Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental -attitudes! -% -Yow! -% -Yow! Am I having fun yet? -% -Yow! Am I in Milwaukee? -% -Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights! -% -Yow! Are we laid back yet? -% -Yow! Are we wet yet? -% -Yow! Are you the self-frying president? -% -Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?? -% -Yow! I just went below the poverty line! -% -Yow! I threw up on my window! -% -Yow! I want my nose in lights! -% -Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua! -% -Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill! -% -Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce! -% -Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof? -% -Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it?? -% -Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank! -% -Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping! -% -Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY -- -% -Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING -BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL! -% -Yow! Now we can become alcoholics! -% -Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!! -% -Yow! We're going to a new disco! -% -YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! -% -YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!! -% -YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM laws!! -% -YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!! -% -YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!! -% -YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of -CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND! -% -YOW!!! I am having fun!!! -% -Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ... -% diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/paradoxum b/fortune-mod/datfiles/paradoxum index 609f934..44ab86a 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/paradoxum +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/paradoxum @@ -1,4 +1,3 @@ -% A little pain never hurt anyone. % "A unified, neutral Germany? Given that nation's heritage, such a @@ -33,9 +32,6 @@ I can resist everything except temptation. -Oscar Wilde If Roosevelt were alive, he'd turn over in his grave. -Samuel Goldwyn % -If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! - -- Samuel Goldwyn -% If you fall and break your legs, don't come running to me. -Samuel Goldwyn % @@ -107,8 +103,6 @@ I distinctly remember forgetting that. -Clara Barton % We must believe in free will. We have no choice. -Isaac B. Singer % -I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. -% Monotheism is a gift from the gods. % After they got rid of capital punishment, they had to hang twice diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/people b/fortune-mod/datfiles/people index 16c2eaf..0432685 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/people +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/people @@ -351,12 +351,6 @@ he was good for nothing." % And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. % -And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, -turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, -the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no -clothes! He is naked!" - -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" -% "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said @@ -896,9 +890,6 @@ Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking. -- The Wizard of Oz % -Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. - -- Voltaire -% Drive defensively. Buy a tank. % Early to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else is @@ -3054,11 +3045,6 @@ The best portion of a good man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. -- Wordsworth % -The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and -fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are -drifting side by side to our common doom. - -- Clarence Darrow -% The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. % The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. @@ -3158,8 +3144,6 @@ The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. -- Quintus Ennius % -The important thing is not to stop questioning. -% The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from a safe place. % @@ -3354,10 +3338,6 @@ The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. The wonderful thing about a dancing bear is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. % -The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an -open doorway with an open mind. - -- E. B. White -% The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. % The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. @@ -4331,9 +4311,6 @@ Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn't matter to me ... Going to bed at night saying we've done something wonderful... that's what matters to me. -- Steve Jobs (1955-2011) % -I would trade all of my technology for an afternoon with Socrates. - -- Steve Jobs (1955-2011) -% I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/perl b/fortune-mod/datfiles/perl index 66d00ee..4814f3d 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/perl +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/perl @@ -325,10 +325,6 @@ There are still some other things to do, so don't think if I didn't fix your favorite bug that your bug report is in the bit bucket. (It may be, but don't think it. :-) Larry Wall in <7238@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV> % -There is, however, a strange, musty smell in the air that reminds me of -something...hmm...yes...I've got it...there's a VMS nearby, or I'm a Blit. - -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution -% "The road to hell is paved with melting snowballs." -- Larry Wall in <1992Jul2.222039.26476@netlabs.com> % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/pets b/fortune-mod/datfiles/pets index ee6ad22..7dd4ef9 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/pets +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/pets @@ -185,6 +185,3 @@ Who loves me will also love my dog. With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % -It's always sad when the fleas leave, because that means your dog is dead. - -- Wesley T. Williams -% diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/platitudes b/fortune-mod/datfiles/platitudes index a03003c..aafb42c 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/platitudes +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/platitudes @@ -421,9 +421,6 @@ Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % -"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." - -- Blair Houghton -% Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. % Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell. @@ -1159,8 +1156,6 @@ To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. % To err is human, to forgive unusual. % -To err is human, to moo bovine. -% To err is human, to purr feline. To err is human, two curs canine. To err is human, to moo bovine. diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/politics b/fortune-mod/datfiles/politics index 3cdc029..0cb2efa 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/politics +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/politics @@ -104,9 +104,6 @@ his neighbour notice it. A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. % -A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. - -- Ramsey Clark -% A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 @@ -518,12 +515,6 @@ God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it. -- Austin O'Malley % -Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of -those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the -will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of -government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. - -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" -% Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. % Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? @@ -1484,9 +1475,6 @@ Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. normal routines, for children and adults alike." -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" % -"Nuclear war would really set back cable." - -- Ted Turner -% O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" @@ -1741,9 +1729,6 @@ QUESTION AUTHORITY. (Sez who?) % -Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or -help speed the change by breaking them? -% Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. -- Jim Samuels % @@ -2428,10 +2413,6 @@ and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station? I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" % -"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary -safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 -% They use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. @@ -2730,8 +2711,6 @@ Uh, that still ain't right... What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? -- Bertold Brecht % -What is the sound of one hand clapping? -% What orators lack in depth they make up in length. % What we need is either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. @@ -2792,12 +2771,6 @@ When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -- Thomas Paine % -When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find -anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, -two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the -history of war have so few been led by so many. - -- General James Gavin -% When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Norm Crosby diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/science b/fortune-mod/datfiles/science index e9c0efd..eea8ab2 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/science +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/science @@ -1286,14 +1286,6 @@ In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. universe." -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos % -In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really -good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change -their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really -do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are -human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot -recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. - -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address -% "In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian." % In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. @@ -1412,10 +1404,6 @@ It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" % -It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to -mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry. - -- H. L. Mencken -% It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. @@ -2508,14 +2496,6 @@ There is no opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. % There is no royal road to geometry. -- Euclid -% -There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, -however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. -Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be -discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator -on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is -even highly probable. - -- H. L. Mencken, 1930 % There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked @@ -2885,10 +2865,6 @@ WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair. -% -Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to -examine the laws of heat. - -- Christopher Morley % While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/songs-poems b/fortune-mod/datfiles/songs-poems index 21a4571..6cdb061 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/songs-poems +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/songs-poems @@ -112,14 +112,6 @@ Plural is plural now no more, And sweet what bitter was before. What am I? % -A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, -He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. - -- Richard Thompson -% -A man of genius makes no mistakes. -His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. - -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" -% A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds. % @@ -677,10 +669,6 @@ Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" % -Be valiant, but not too venturous. -Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. - -- John Lyly -% Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. -- John Keats @@ -896,10 +884,6 @@ Then I will *and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams % -Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, -But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money? - -- Ogden Nash -% Charlie was a chemist, But Charlie is no more. For what he thought was H2O, @@ -1004,10 +988,6 @@ Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: It whispers of a more ergodic zone. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % -Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, -Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. - -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 -% Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to n, @@ -1274,9 +1254,6 @@ Every love's the love before In a duller dress. -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" % -Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. - -- Miguel de Cervantes -% Every night my prayers I say, And get my dinner every day; And every day that I've been good, @@ -3011,10 +2988,6 @@ He wanted all the buffalo dead It was sad, oh so sad. -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" % -It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, -and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. - -- Proverbs 19:2 -% It used to be the fun was in The capture and kill. In another place and time @@ -3036,10 +3009,6 @@ Older whiskey and More money. -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" % -It's gonna be alright, -It's almost midnight, -And I've got two more bottles of wine. -% It's just a jump to the left And then a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips @@ -5528,10 +5497,6 @@ describing a pond: Tis three feet long and two feet wide." -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % -The young lady had an unusual list, -Linked in part to a structural weakness. -She set no preconditions. -% The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? @@ -5877,11 +5842,6 @@ As they were three, and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuktu. -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" % -Time goes, you say? -Ah no! -Time stays, *we* go. - -- Austin Dobson -% Time washes clean Love's wounds unseen. That's what someone told me; @@ -5925,14 +5885,6 @@ Still strove with his last allocation To scrap the unscrappable kludge! -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha % -To err is human, -To purr feline. - -- Robert Byrne -% -To err is human, to purr feline. -To err is human, two curs canine. -To err is human, to moo bovine. -% To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; @@ -6857,12 +6809,6 @@ And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, Went home and put a bullet through his head. -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" % -WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE - Oh, dear, where can the matter be - When it's converted to energy? - There is a slight loss of parity. - Johnny's so long at the fair. -% Where's the man could ease a heart Like a satin gown? -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/sports b/fortune-mod/datfiles/sports index d23bbd6..0ba2ee8 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/sports +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/sports @@ -436,21 +436,6 @@ It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. % Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. % -Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: - (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc - straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this - force is technically termed "car suck"). - (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive - than "Watch this!" - (3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly - proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a - Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or - a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. - (4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the - cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the - Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you - in the head and knock you silly. -% Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/wisdom b/fortune-mod/datfiles/wisdom index 7b53497..57c0f5b 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/wisdom +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/wisdom @@ -101,10 +101,6 @@ and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. % -Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, -Or what's a heaven for ? - -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" -% All hope abandon, ye who enter here! -- Dante Alighieri % @@ -1001,9 +997,6 @@ Nothing is but what is not. % Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. % -Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. - -- Michel de Montaigne -% Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. -- Arthur Balfour % @@ -1135,12 +1128,6 @@ no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. -- Chuang Tzu % -Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; -The deed there is, but no doer thereof; -Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; -The Path there is, but none who travel it. - -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values -% Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. -- Martin Luther @@ -1163,9 +1150,6 @@ The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. The best you get is an even break. -- Franklin Adams % -"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." - -- G. Fitch -% The chief cause of problems is solutions. -- Eric Sevareid % @@ -1437,9 +1421,6 @@ to compare it with. What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula K. LeGuin % -What we Are is God's gift to us. -What we Become is our gift to God. -% Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % @@ -1585,9 +1566,6 @@ Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. Your wig steers the gig. -- Lord Buckley % -You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you're -still in the parade. -% The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -- Muriel Rukeyser % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/work b/fortune-mod/datfiles/work index 87586af..a1f964d 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/work +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/work @@ -437,9 +437,6 @@ Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat. -- Ambrose Bierce % -Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. - -- James J. Ling -% "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!" % @@ -548,11 +545,6 @@ Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. % Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. % -Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. - -Corollary: - Following the rules will not get the job done. -% "Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." -- Eric Clapton @@ -985,9 +977,6 @@ Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. % Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. % -Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - -- Josh Billings -% Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. % @@ -1368,9 +1357,6 @@ Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them. % -Optimism is the content of small men in high places. - -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" -% Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/zippy b/fortune-mod/datfiles/zippy index 81e16e1..09f4fdc 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/zippy +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/zippy @@ -393,8 +393,6 @@ I invented skydiving in 1989! % I joined scientology at a garage sale!! % -I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! -% I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is ... % I just had a NOSE JOB!! @@ -1193,8 +1191,6 @@ With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ... % World War III? No thanks! % -World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code! -% Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it! % Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"! diff --git a/fortune-mod/tests/t/test-fortune-o-rot.t b/fortune-mod/tests/t/test-fortune-o-rot.t index 75fcbd9..32edbe7 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/tests/t/test-fortune-o-rot.t +++ b/fortune-mod/tests/t/test-fortune-o-rot.t @@ -28,9 +28,5 @@ plan tests => 1; my $text = `$inst_bin -o`; # TEST - like( - $text, - qr/\A\"In order to see Christianity/, - 'fortune -o was not rotated' - ); + like( $text, qr/Rabin/ms, 'fortune -o was not rotated' ); }