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- Apple Engineer Talks About New 2016 Macbook Pro
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- This is how you pronounce "hacker" - Tarah Wheeler
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- Brain Surgeon
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."
6:30 is hands down the best time of day.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
My wife told me to stop pretending I was a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My girlfriend asked me to stop playing Wonderwall on guitar. I said maybe.
My girlfriend told me if I didn’t stop playing The Monkees songs that she would leave me. I didn’t think she was serious at first, but then I saw her face.
I can't tell a good Batman joke to save my parents' lives.
To be frank, I'd have to change my name.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus today. Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
The guy in front of me at 7-11 left his Breathsavers on the counter. The cashier said I could have them, but I have abandoned mint issues.
You can’t run through a camp site. You can only ran because it’s past tents.
I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly none of them work.
I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who would be mad at me for saying that.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
I told my mum that when I'm older I was going to build a car out of spaghetti, you should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. OR DO THEY!
Why can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?
Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "you man the gun, I'll drive."
Being told I was deaf was really hard to hear.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
What do you do if you are attacked by a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
A man is at a funeral of an old friend. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Plethora"
The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, that means a lot."
Works with; bargain => great deal, infinity => more than you know, being alive => he would have liked that.
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park your car man.
Works with; fireman => put it out man, postman => walk around it man.
A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets.
Cops say they have nothing to go on.
“Do you want to hear a ghost joke?”
Sure
“That’s the spirit.”
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
I'll never forget the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said "how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
I told my therapist that I was struggling to stop my terrible habit of singing Bare Naked Ladies hits without warning.
He asked "how long has it been since you last relapsed?"
I looked at him sadly and said "IT'S BEEN"
I went to the doctor and told him I couldn't get "What's new Pussycat" out of my head.
He said I have Tom Jones syndrome.
I asked him, "Is this a common illness?"
He replied, "Well, It's Not Unusual."
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag's a big plus.
"Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphey's law, but you guys probably don't know about Cole's law, am I right?"
"Whats Cole's Law?"
"Well, it's thinly sliced cabbage. Sometimes it has vinaigrette or mayonnaise"
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they’re dead!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He could feel his presents.
What’s so bad about Russian dolls?
They’re all so full of themselves.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a well known six offender.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
Why can’t the pope be cremated?
Cause he’s alive.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second “ have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”. The second cow replies “ good thing I‘m a helicopter”.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Hey, guess what!
What?
Good guess.
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
What's green and has wheels?
Grass! I lied about the wheels.
Why did Sarah fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sarah.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a pie and a pint and the bartender hands them over. He downs the pint, puts the pie on his head and walks out. The bartender thinks, "Well that was weird." The next night the same guy comes in again and asks for a pie and a pint, the bartender gives him a funny look and hands over the pie and the pint. The customer downs the pint, puts the pie on his head and walks out. The bartender thinks, "Ah, right, what is going on here? If he comes in again, I'm asking him about the pie!" The next night the guy comes back again and asks for a pie and a pint. The bartender replies, "We're out of pies..." "Oh, right. Uhm, pack of crisps then mate." The bartender hands him his pint and his pack of crisps, the guy downs the pint, puts the crisps on his head and goes to walk out. The bartender calls after him, "Hold on! I need to know. Why did you put the crisps on your head?" The guys says, "You're out of pies." and walks out the pub.
A man is sitting with his three daughters having breakfast and the middle daughter asks, "Daddy, why am I named Rose?"
Dad explains, "Well, Rose, in our family, we have a tradition that we put the baby in bed and put a bunch of different flowers above her on the bookshelf. The first one to wilt and fall onto the bed is what we name her. And since the rose petal fell on you first, that's why we named you Rose."
The oldest daughter said, "Oh, and that's why I'm named Lily, because the lily petals fell on me first!"
"That's right," Dad said.
And the youngest daughter said, "HAFFENBLAH!"
And the Dad yelled, "Quiet, Bookshelf!"
A man walks into a bar with a tiny man on his shoulder. The little man can't be a foot tall, and is wearing a tuxedo. The man bellies up to the bar, sets his small friend onto the bar, and pulls out a tiny keyboard for the tiny dude, who begins playing. He then orders a round for the whole bar, and pays in exact change. Curious, another guy walks up and asks "What's going on with all of... this?" "Well," starts the guy "I was stranded on a desert island, and I found a genie. I wished for a perfect amount of money to come out of my pocket any time I needed it, a way to get home obviously and..." his countenance changed. The minute musician started playing a somber tune "Well, I think the genie had sand in it's ears... do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"
A piece of string walks into a bar.
The bar tender see him and says, "Hey! Was don't serve your kind here. Get out!"
The string walks outside and runs into a woman, whom he asks, "Ma'am, would you mind tying me in a knot and brushing my ends out?"
The woman complies, and the string walks back into the bar.
Upon seeing the string, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Aren't you that same string I kicked out earlier?"
The string sits down at the bar and replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
A boy asks out the girl of his dreams to prom and she says yes!
He goes the limo rental and there's a line.
He goes to the tux rental and there's a line.
He goes to buy a corsage and boquet and even there is a line!
Finally the night of the prom he picks her up in the limo, she's beautiful and stunning, he gives her the boquet and she's smitten.
They get to prom and there's a line of limos.
After the line of people to get into prom they finally get in and have an amazing time.
They're dancing, gnoshing on h'ordeuvres, talking and getting closer. His dates getting parched from the food and asks him to get her something to drink. Him, being a gentleman, says "Of course." He heads up to get her some punch.
Lucky for him, there's no punch line.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.