messages.txt

Ho, ho, ho! It's time to get jolly on your naughty asses!
I'll be back. Back when you least expect it: Next Xmas! Ho, ho, ho!
You dare bribe Santa?! I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!
You've been very naughty! I checked my list. I perform over fifty mega-checks per second!
You have all been very naughty, very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this is for you.
Your mistletoe is no match for my TOW Missile!
My reason for being so jolly? I know where all the bad girls live...
Wanna see the North Pole? That's what Mrs. Claus calls it...
That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just THAT happy to see you.
Three hos make me one verry jolly Santa.
Embrace this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your partner walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks. You're welcome!
People who are afraid of Santa Claus are just a bunch of claustrophobics.
YOU! Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
The Christmas alphabet has no L.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win!
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?
I could tell you a joke about cheetos, but it's a little cheesy.
I got hit in the head by a can of coke today. No worries, it was a soft drink.
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving but I had to quit cold turkey.
Got into an accident yesterday but had to leave the ICU in the hospital because of the lack of privacy.
My favorite rockstar is Elf-is Presley.
Hey Christmas Tree, you got a lot of balls coming in here dressed like that.
It's all fun and games untill I pull out the naughty list.
Never forget the true meaning of Christmas: The Birth of Santa!
Always remember: Christmas calories don't count.
Apparantly you've all been good this year. To me, that just sound like lack of opportunity.
I'm a gangster wrapper.
This is my house. I have to defend it!
Merry Christmas, you filthy animal!
Anybody up for some hot coco? 
I got you milk, eggs and fabric softener.
Yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers!
Jingle Bells, Batman smells...
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to all Meakind, and Batteries Not Included!
Welcome to the party pal!
Now I have machine gun.ho-ho-ho.
Got invited to the Christmas party by mistake. Who knew?
Christmas, the baby shower that went totally overboard...