Your ultimate guide to life lessons.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

If you tell the truth, you never have to remember anything.

Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

If you ever feel you are worthless, remember that you are full of expensive organs.

Mind is like a mad monkey.

Let go, or be dragged.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to 'fall asleep right now'.

I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain — and most do.

Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!

When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, "Four. I don't think I can eat eight."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.